A RENEWED CALL TO ARMS: Following Up On the Vending Machine Catastrophe

MICHAEL FIRER '09

Editor's note: The following is a follow-up article to Firer's original vending machine coverage:
A CALL TO ARMS: The Missing Vending Machine


"The harderer the conflict, the even more glorious-er the triumph."
–Me

For a second I thought I could relax. I seemed as though the war was over. How quickly I had forgotten… it’s never over. For those of you out there that are in the dark, over a month ago the school, that cruel, unappeasable tyrant, stole the beloved mechanical distributor of sugared wonders, the candy machine, from us with promises of a new, improved version. Sure, I was doubtful at first. Maybe even a whole article’s worth of doubtful. Eventually, though, I realized that this was an armistice. Instead of a formal treaty, the revolution would end with the installation of a machine that was newer, shinier, and less prone to breaking when tackled. The warriors on each side, battle-weary from the seemingly endless fight, could finally lay down their arms and return to their previous lives. Oh, how naïve I was.

Yes, I will admit it. I was taken in by their promises like a snake-charmer’s cobra. Daft Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” ran through my head as I imagined the technological marvel that would be the new machine. I prepared several fresh dollar bills that would be the “Neil Armstrongs” in my first test of the wonderful box that would come to us as if from a dream and lace our arteries with sweet, sweet cholesterol. What a fool I was. I let my guard down, and, as a result, we must all suffer.

Those of you who give the sleek, black device only a passing glance on the way to and from your daily routines may not understand my outrage. Yes, it’s shiny. Yes, it beeps and flashes like a 50’s TV robot. It doubtlessly stands head-and-shoulders above its more modest rivals, the oft overlooked water and juice machines. But you know something, friends? There was once a big wooden horse that looked better than all the other big wooden animals out there, and do you know what it did? It slaughtered an entire city that had lovingly taken it in as its own. At least I think it was something like that. Anyway, beware this fancy intruder, for although it appears to be all that the people desire, upon closer inspection, the problem is all too obvious.

Gone are the Skittles, the Doritos, the Twix, and the Pop-Tarts. In their stead are Luna Bars, Veggie Pirate’s Booty, Special K-Bars, and other *shudder* healthy replacements. This is, again, a travesty. It is my right as an American to stuff myself with whatever form of pure sugar I wish! No, no, I know there’s been a rise in obesity, epidemic, blah blah blah, but you know what? There are better solutions than impeding on our God-given rights! If you want to fight childhood obesity, do it the awesome way. Anyway, this disregard for our human rights is the reason that I, yet again, must declare a call to arms. We must fight to the end!

The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph! The harder the- hey… these Luna Bars aren’t have half bad… the harder the… they’re… harder the conflict… actually… they’re… they’re pretty good… Um… Okay, know what? Why don’t you just go away, okay? Go find some other demagogue to spout buzzwords at you.

I’m going to go raid the new vending machine.