A RENEWED CALL TO ARMS: Following Up On the Vending Machine Catastrophe

MICHAEL FIRER '09

Editor's note: The following is a follow-up article to Firer's original vending machine coverage:
A CALL TO ARMS: The Missing Vending Machine


"The harderer the conflict, the even more glorious-er the triumph."
–Me

For a second I thought I could relax. I seemed as though the war was over. How quickly I had forgotten… it’s never over. For those of you out there that are in the dark, over a month ago the school, that cruel, unappeasable tyrant, stole the beloved mechanical distributor of sugared wonders, the candy machine, from us with promises of a new, improved version. Sure, I was doubtful at first. Maybe even a whole article’s worth of doubtful. Eventually, though, I realized that this was an armistice. Instead of a formal treaty, the revolution would end with the installation of a machine that was newer, shinier, and less prone to breaking when tackled. The warriors on each side, battle-weary from the seemingly endless fight, could finally lay down their arms and return to their previous lives. Oh, how naïve I was.

Yes, I will admit it. I was taken in by their promises like a snake-charmer’s cobra. Daft Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” ran through my head as I imagined the technological marvel that would be the new machine. I prepared several fresh dollar bills that would be the “Neil Armstrongs” in my first test of the wonderful box that would come to us as if from a dream and lace our arteries with sweet, sweet cholesterol. What a fool I was. I let my guard down, and, as a result, we must all suffer.

Those of you who give the sleek, black device only a passing glance on the way to and from your daily routines may not understand my outrage. Yes, it’s shiny. Yes, it beeps and flashes like a 50’s TV robot. It doubtlessly stands head-and-shoulders above its more modest rivals, the oft overlooked water and juice machines. But you know something, friends? There was once a big wooden horse that looked better than all the other big wooden animals out there, and do you know what it did? It slaughtered an entire city that had lovingly taken it in as its own. At least I think it was something like that. Anyway, beware this fancy intruder, for although it appears to be all that the people desire, upon closer inspection, the problem is all too obvious.

Gone are the Skittles, the Doritos, the Twix, and the Pop-Tarts. In their stead are Luna Bars, Veggie Pirate’s Booty, Special K-Bars, and other *shudder* healthy replacements. This is, again, a travesty. It is my right as an American to stuff myself with whatever form of pure sugar I wish! No, no, I know there’s been a rise in obesity, epidemic, blah blah blah, but you know what? There are better solutions than impeding on our God-given rights! If you want to fight childhood obesity, do it the awesome way. Anyway, this disregard for our human rights is the reason that I, yet again, must declare a call to arms. We must fight to the end!

The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph! The harder the- hey… these Luna Bars aren’t have half bad… the harder the… they’re… harder the conflict… actually… they’re… they’re pretty good… Um… Okay, know what? Why don’t you just go away, okay? Go find some other demagogue to spout buzzwords at you.

I’m going to go raid the new vending machine.

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A CALL TO ARMS: The Missing Vending Machine

MICHAEL FIRER ‘09

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.”
- Thomas Paine

My friends, I’m sure I need not remind you of the travesty that took place recently. A great misfortune has befallen us, as someone has felt the need to deliver a shockingly underhanded blow to all that is good and respectable. I speak, of course, of the missing vending machine that once resided along with its brothers in the basement annex adjacent to the student lounge. This respected member of our beloved community had for years served up various goods to the people, including even, at one tumultuous time in its life at Beaver, cheese danishes. Without ever so much as uttering a single word, this colorful dispenser of confectionery delights managed to worm its way into our hearts.

However, it would appear that the machine had made several an enemy, for one seemingly uneventful morning I approached the corner in which it normally lay, a crisp Mr. Washington in my hand, and received a shock incomparable to any I had ever had. The barren space left by the machine was but a mere echo of the one in my heart. Nothing remained but a large wooden board and a stain of questionable origin.

Naturally, I blame the school. It was clear that my compatriots have more honor than to commit such a flagrant disregard for fundamental human decency, but the reason for my accusation extends beyond that. Let us take a look at the hard facts that are immediately present. Who else would stand to benefit from the sudden absence of the machine in question, and then be willing to move all roughly 880 pounds of it to achieve said absence? The fat cats at the top have a known history with this sort of thing. Who can forget the depraved theft of the furniture from the student lounge that sparked a sit-in of epic proportions? Well, needless to say, the furniture was returned, and although a formal apology was not issued and proper reparations were never paid, it was a step in the right direction.

The people have been pushed aside for too long. We can no longer sit by and do nothing as the bureaucrats at the top slowly crush us in their ever tightening grip. The time is now, my friends. We must do the only sensible thing possible, and take up arms against the Goliath that is the Beaver Country Day School. It will be a long, bloody fight, and I have no doubt that many will be lost before any semblance of victory is reached, but what great cause has ever been achieved without sacrifice? Consider this an ultimatum, Beaver. Until that machine is returned and my people can again enjoy their Doritos, Cheetos, and other assorted “eetos” with ease, the onslaught will not end.

Oh, wait… hold on. Turns out that they’re just replacing it with a new one. That makes sense, I guess. The old one broke a lot. Ooh. Uh… so… don’t do all that stuff I said… but… uh… never give up the endless struggle! The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph! The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph!

More information coming soon about the new and improved snack machine. How's that for investigative journalism!
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The Mysteries of Beaver: The Bloomberg Benches

MADDY KIEFER ‘08

During spring break, the school underwent a minor transformation. Walls were painted, mailboxes suddenly had numbers, and there were these random decorated benches in the Bloomberg Plaza. One honors the Patriots, one honors the Red Sox, one depicts Fenway Park and one proclaims “Curse Reversed.” At first, I thought that some art class might have painted them. After looking twice though, I figured that, as good as our art program might be, none of our students are quite that talented. So where did they come from?

It turns out that, at the suggestion of parent Peter Schneider, Beaver purchased them from a nonprofit organization called Seats of Consciousness. The idea goes back to when Nancy Johnson (director of Fair Foods, a company affiliated with Seats of Consciousness) noticed the waste of materials such as wood and paint from large companies like Home Depot. Instead of letting these materials go to waste, she decided to recycle them by creating benches and tables and selling them to fund her organization. Since 1988, Fair Foods has transported truckloads of food to low-income communities in Massachusetts, and buying these four benches has helped fund that cause.

The reaction so far seems to be positive, and Mr. Hutton says, “We may order more in the future for different areas of the campus.”

Further reading:
More information on Beaver’s new paint job and additions
Seats of Consciousness website
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Missing tennis courts found at 44° N, 69° W, altitude of 248 ft.

TOPH TUCKER ‘08

After reporting on the mysterious disappearance of the Beaver tennis courts last September, we are happy to announce that Beaver Reader investigators may have located three of the four courts in a lonely neck of the woods eighteen miles north of Augusta, Maine. (For satellite imagery of the courts-in-hiding, click here.)

The courts’ motive remains unclear. Witnesses deny that the courts ever expressed any discontent or displeasure with Beaver, although at least one close friend admitted that certain portions of the courts were “depressed… and thus prone to poor drainage.” The courts are thought to be working in concert with a green backboard, whose whereabouts remain unknown.

It is also our sad duty to report that the fourth court may have suffered a fate too terrible to comprehend. It was last seen struggling to cross the Piscataqua River Bridge by stunned commuters on I-95. “The current there is pretty strong, and tennis courts aren’t known for their ability to swim,” stated one investigator, who asked to remain anonymous.

If anyone has any information regarding the disappearance or whereabouts of the courts or their associates, please contact The Beaver Reader at our Missing Courts Hotline: 1-888-548-0034.
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Vandalism: Athletic Center's Sign Missing Letters

DAN KATZ '08

Those of you who happened to walk by the entrance to the new athletic center may have noticed a change in the design of the entrance. At first glance I missed the alteration, due to the fact that our school has experienced significant architectural changes lately. However, the change jumped out at me during my second stroll past the entrance on Monday, March 3. The sign above the new building's main door, usually reading "Athletic Center," now reads "Athl__ic Center." Two of the letters (the 'E' and the 'T') are currently missing from the sign. The reasoning behind this alteration is not clear at this moment, but we at "The Beaver Reader" assume it to be a result of some sort of vandalism. While I hope for another explanation, I currently sit disappointed. Such vandalism shows a complete disrespect for the school's recent advancements, specifically the $10m project that is the new Athletic Center.

The Reader's own Maddy Kiefer met with Assistant Athletic Director Matt Thompson today, who confirmed our vandalism theory. Thompson said that the missing letters had to be the result of vandalism, as the letters where made of steel and screwed onto the metal backing of the sign. He also added that the administration is not positive when the vandalism took place.

After doing our own research, we talked to students who remember seeing the letters late last week. "Last week i walked up and i definitely saw the letters. They were right there!" notes senior Sabrina Fiori, who noticed the missing letters on Monday (3/3).

The administration sent out an e-mail to teachers asking for any helpful information, but so far little progress has been made in the search for the culprit.
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New playground a step in the wrong direction?

TOPH TUCKER

Late last year, as horrified Spanish students looked on, the long-standing Beaver playground was viciously demolished. Now, returning students have been surprised by a brand-new playgrond. Anonymous sources say it wasn't free, yet some students question whether it's a step in the right direction.

"I think it's sort of terrible," says Toph Tucker. "It's as colorful as the Arts Building, Athletic Center and now the Middle School Wing, but that doesn't make it better. It's too small, for one thing. And also, it's dangerous. I think Dan Woo nearly blacked out on that weird spinning bowl-seat the other day. And that circular treadmill of doom? That's a skull fracture waiting to happen."

Worst of all, Toph regrets the way in which the old playground's life unceremoniously ended. "No announcement, no warning, no nothing. No epitaph! Is nothing holy?"



Top image: aerial view of old playground, from Virtual Earth
Bottom image: panorama of new playground by Toph Tucker
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