A CALL TO ARMS: The Missing Vending Machine

MICHAEL FIRER ‘09

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.”
- Thomas Paine

My friends, I’m sure I need not remind you of the travesty that took place recently. A great misfortune has befallen us, as someone has felt the need to deliver a shockingly underhanded blow to all that is good and respectable. I speak, of course, of the missing vending machine that once resided along with its brothers in the basement annex adjacent to the student lounge. This respected member of our beloved community had for years served up various goods to the people, including even, at one tumultuous time in its life at Beaver, cheese danishes. Without ever so much as uttering a single word, this colorful dispenser of confectionery delights managed to worm its way into our hearts.

However, it would appear that the machine had made several an enemy, for one seemingly uneventful morning I approached the corner in which it normally lay, a crisp Mr. Washington in my hand, and received a shock incomparable to any I had ever had. The barren space left by the machine was but a mere echo of the one in my heart. Nothing remained but a large wooden board and a stain of questionable origin.

Naturally, I blame the school. It was clear that my compatriots have more honor than to commit such a flagrant disregard for fundamental human decency, but the reason for my accusation extends beyond that. Let us take a look at the hard facts that are immediately present. Who else would stand to benefit from the sudden absence of the machine in question, and then be willing to move all roughly 880 pounds of it to achieve said absence? The fat cats at the top have a known history with this sort of thing. Who can forget the depraved theft of the furniture from the student lounge that sparked a sit-in of epic proportions? Well, needless to say, the furniture was returned, and although a formal apology was not issued and proper reparations were never paid, it was a step in the right direction.

The people have been pushed aside for too long. We can no longer sit by and do nothing as the bureaucrats at the top slowly crush us in their ever tightening grip. The time is now, my friends. We must do the only sensible thing possible, and take up arms against the Goliath that is the Beaver Country Day School. It will be a long, bloody fight, and I have no doubt that many will be lost before any semblance of victory is reached, but what great cause has ever been achieved without sacrifice? Consider this an ultimatum, Beaver. Until that machine is returned and my people can again enjoy their Doritos, Cheetos, and other assorted “eetos” with ease, the onslaught will not end.

Oh, wait… hold on. Turns out that they’re just replacing it with a new one. That makes sense, I guess. The old one broke a lot. Ooh. Uh… so… don’t do all that stuff I said… but… uh… never give up the endless struggle! The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph! The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph!

More information coming soon about the new and improved snack machine. How's that for investigative journalism!